Misgiving Ch 11

    “I don’t know what it is with you Shepards and your complete inability to stay out of trouble.” mutters Cassandra as she places another spoonful of mashed peas into Ana’s open mouth. Michael’s wife is seated in front of the highchair, visibly fighting off a wave of tears.

    She will not meet her husband’s gaze as she continues to feed their daughter. “You couldn’t just tell that Blue Sun idiot to go screw himself, could you? Instead you had to offer to fix the relay and leave us here without you, for God only knows how long.”

    From his seat in the living room, Thane can see her struggle to not lose herself to hysterics. A physical copy of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass rests, ignored, on his lap. His attention is divided between attempting to read the poetry, and trying not to listen to their marital dispute. He is familiar with the discussion, as it was one that he and Irikah had every time he left on his “business trips”.

    His every emotion plays over his features as Michael paces kitchen.. Leaving is not his preference, but staying is out of the question.

    “Sloan threatened you and the kids, Sandra.” He tries to explain to her. “This is the only way to make sure they stay away from you.”

    There’s an agitated tick to her jaw as she grinds her teeth. Finally Cassandra meets his gaze, an angry glint to her watery eyes.  Her voice wavers with emotions she tries to bite back.“That’s horse crap and you know it. When the company assigned you to this contract you dragged us all out here so that we’d be together. You keep us safe by being here, Michael.”

    Feet coming to a stop, Michael turns to face his wife. Falling to a knee in front of her, he cups her face in his hands and whispers. “I’m going to fix that relay and I’m going to get you the hell off this planet. I promise.” The kiss he gives his wife is desperate, nearly heartbreaking. He presses his forehead to hers, whispering soft reassurances before getting up and collecting his duffle from the floor.

    Thane shuts the book he hadn’t been reading and moves to meet Michael by the door. He gives the human a firm hand shake, understanding completely the position he is in. Offering him a departing smile, Thane says, “Travel safely, my friend, and may you be half as successful as we all need you to be.”

    Nodding, Michael accepts Thane’s well wishes as he looks back at his wife. With a sigh, he addresses Thane. “If you weren’t here I never would have suggested leaving. Take care of them, Thane.”

    He also glances back to where Cassandra is seated, wiping away tears from her reddened cheeks. Looking back at Michael, Thane easily agrees. “I will guard them with my life. Your family will be here when you return. I swear it.”

    Michael nods with gratitude and, giving his family a final look, disappears through the door. Leaving one's family is never an easy thing, and it doesn’t get easier with time.

    “Thane,” Cassandra’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. She strolled up beside him and peered out of the window he was standing in front of. She knew as well as he that there were Blue Suns below, but her untrained eyes weren’t able to identify who or where they were. It was better that way, Thane thought. If she knew, she would lose sleep to her worry.

    Light brown eyes lifted to look at Thane. With a slight frown, she wondered, “How many are down there?”

    Thane moved away from the window as he answered. “More than yesterday.” He strode into the kitchen and filled a glass with water. After taking a long sip, he said, “And more than the day before that. I don’t know what Sloan is doing, but I can’t leave you here alone. I’ll let Dacia know that I can’t work today.”

    Cassandra also moved into the kitchen. Leaning her weight on the counter, she crossed her arms and gave Thane a disapproving look. “Dacia needs your help at the inn.”

    He nodded, knowing her words were true; but it wasn’t the only truth worth voicing. “And you need to be protected. I can’t do that from the inn. You and your family are my priority. I gave Michael my word that I would protect you, and even if I hadn’t, keeping you safe is more important than cleaning hotel rooms.”

    “Alright,” It wasn’t a surrender. Cassandra wasn’t the type to give up that easily. She uncrossed her arms and pushed herself off of the counter. “I understand your position, but your other responsibilities shouldn’t be neglected because of us.” Before he could argue that point, Cassandra continued, “Mika is going to go stir crazy if he stays locked up in here for another day, and I’m no better off. We’ll come with you. That way you can keep us safe and help Dacia with the inn.”

    Thane considered the suggestion. “Are you sure?”

    The smile that stole her lips left little room for uncertainty. “I need to get out of this apartment and get my mind off of Michael. Mika could use the fresh air, and I’m sure Dacia could use the extra help.”

    There wasn’t a valid enough argument to use against her. Cassandra was correct on all counts. Giving the woman a smile, he said, “I’ll help you ready the children.”

    Cassandra returned his smile with a grin. “You’re a reasonable man, Thane Krios. I can see why Anya loved you so much.”

    His heart plummeted at the mention of Anya. The loss of her was still a fresh and bleeding wound, one he couldn’t let fester as he had with Irikah. Thane couldn’t lose himself to his misery again. Cassandra and the children needed his protection and, when the mass relays were fixed, Kolyat needed his father.

    Clearing his throat, he gave Cassandra a brief nod before following her to collect the children.

__

    “Sere Krios,” Dacia greeted Thane warmly as he and Michael’s family strode into the inn’s lobby. Finding her way around the front desk, she smiled at Cassandra and the kids. “And you must be Thane’s beloved’s family.” If she caught Thane’s responding flinch, she made no indication as she offered Cassandra her taloned hand. “What a pleasure it is to finally meet you.”

    Returning Dacia’s smile, Cassandra shook the elder turian’s hand. “The pleasure is mine.” When her hand was free she patted her son on the head in way of introduction. “This is my son, Mika, and my daughter, Ana.”

    The old turian offered Mika the same greeting his mother had received. The boy happily shook her hand. “It’s good to meet your acquaintance smallish human.”

    “Your skin feels funny,” Mika replied. “How old are you anyway? Like, a thousand?”

    “Mika,” Cassandra gasped in horror.

    Dacia’s mandibles clicked with amusement. “Older,” she answered the boy, “A thousand and one.”

    Mika’s jaw fell.”You’re old.”

    Her rich laugh filled the lobby. Patting Mika on the shoulder, Dacia replied, “Age is relative, my boy. There is an asari or two who would call me young. Now, go out back, find a stick, and dig a hole like a good boy.”

    Looking up at his mother, Cassandra stifled a laugh as she nodded for him to do as he was told. When Mika was well out of earshot she apologized. “I am so sorry about that. That boy has no filter.”

    “Don’t worry yourself.” Dacia waved off the apology and gestured for them to follow her towards the kitchen. “Adults are liars and flatterers. It’s refreshing to hear a child’s honesty.” They entered the kitchen and as they gathered around the table she smiled at Cassandra and the baby in her lap. “I do have a play pen hiding somewhere in storage. If you’d like to put the baby down we can have Thane retrieve it.”

    Thane nodded his agreement. “Just say the word.”

    “Thank you,” Cassandra returned Dacia’s smile and adjusted Ana’s position on her lap. Giving Thane a quick glance, she returned her attention to the turian. “I suppose you’re wondering why Thane brought us along today.”

    Intrigued, Dacia leaned forward. “I had assumed it was because Sere Krios had finally realized that I’ve been dying to meet you.”

    He staved off a smile. “My apologies, Dacia, it hadn’t occurred to me.”

    Dacia nodded at him, signaling her forgiveness. To Cassandra, she asked, “If not for the pleasure of my company, what brings you to my inn?”

    “Recently my husband has had to leave to assist in fixing the mass relay. The method of his recruitment was . . .” she considered her wording, “less than friendly. As a result, my home is being closely monitored. Thane swore to my husband that he’d protect our family, but he also has a responsibility to you.”

    Dacia gave Thane a curious look. “If you need to discontinue your employment I won’t be offended, Thane.”

    “No, it’s not like that,” said Cassandra before the older woman could misconstrue her meaning any further. “Thane can’t help you from our apartment, and he can’t protect us from the inn. I was hoping to tag along with him and offer you another pair of hands. I’m a stay at home mom, I know a lot about cleaning and picking up after others.”

    “You can go ahead and breathe now.” Dacia gave Cassandra a warm smile. “There’s no need to convince me. I can use all the help I can get. Thane is a dear friend of mine, any family of his is my family as well.”

    “Thank you so much, Dacia.” Cassandra reached across the table and enveloped Dacia’s talons in her hand.

    The elder patted Cassandra’s hand. “There is no need to thank me.” When she moved to get up from her seat she struggled to pull her weight. Dacia breathlessly thanked Thane after he got up to help her. “Thane and I are going to get that play pen out of storage, and then we’ll put you to work.”

    “I really can’t thank you enough,” Cassandra repeated as he and Dacia left the kitchen.

    Thane still had an assisting grip on Dacia’s elbow as she led him through the inn. Giving the old turian a weary look, he wondered, “How are you feeling today, Dacia?”

    She shook her head. There was a weightiness to her persona that had never been there before. It went beyond her feeling ill. The woman was acting as though she were anticipating something terrible.

    Without looking up to meet Thane’s concerned gaze, she answered, “Fit to fight, my friend, though I don’t know for how much longer.”

    Jokes of death were common place with Dacia, but something had changed. She was no longer joking. His concern deepened. “I’m sure there are several years’ worth of fight left in you.”

    “You will be lucky to pull months out of me, dear.” She patted his hand as they reached the storage closet. Unlocking the door, she pushed it open and gestured for Thane to enter the dark room. “I can feel the life leaking from these old bones. It won’t be much longer until I become a fly to continue pestering Niall.”

    She summoned the light and followed Thane into the storage space. Peering past a mountain of boxes, she said, “It might be all the way in the back. I had Niall put it away a few months ago. You know how poorly he listens to me.”

    As Thane climbed over and around an assortment of unidentified objects, he tried to ward off the chill in his gut. Dacia was one of the few friends he had, and the thought of losing her was one that would haunt him until she recovered. “Niall said that this isn’t the first time that you’ve gotten sick.” He said as he moved some boxes around. “He believes that this will pass as it has before.”

    “Niall is too blinded by his love for me to see that this time is different,” the turian explained from where she stood in the doorway. “I have lived a long life, Thane. I’ve witnessed my mate and my children die to sickness and war, and I’ve found happiness where I could. When the time comes I will die with no regrets. How many people can say the same?”

    “Too few,” Thane answered. He stopped his search to look at the elder. He wanted to believe as Niall did, that she would recuperate from her ailments and live for several more years; but all he had to do was look at her to see that she was right. Dacia Artacus hadn’t enough sand left in her hourglass, and it was a fact she had long since accepted.

    “Would it be selfish for me to tell you that I don’t want to lose you?” His lips twitched in what he hoped resembled a smile. “In the short time that I’ve known you, you have become a dear friend to me. I have too few friends to be losing them at such a hurried pace.”

    She did smile at him, a maternal and understanding grin. “I am not dead yet, Thane.” Mandibles flapping, she tilted her head curiously at the morose shadow in his eyes. “My imminent demise is not the only death you are mourning. What happened?”

    He set his jaw as a raw ache tore through his chest. He felt his heart breaking all over again. Grinding his teeth, Thane answered, “Anya is dead. She was dead before I even knew it; and now I have to continue with my life because if I pause for a second to mourn her loss, I will not recover from it.”

    “I am terribly sorry for your loss, Thane,” said Dacia when Thane returned to his search. “There is no pain greater than losing your mate.”

    He agreed with her on that point. Thane had now felt that pain twice. Shaking away the emotion that threatened to swallow him whole, he concentrated on the task of finding the play pen. After moving around a few more boxes he found what they’d been searching for and pulled it free from the dusty storage.

    As he exited the storage closet, Thane paused beside Dacia and gave her a sidelong glance. “Life does not pause for us to mourn our losses. It moves on and we must move on with it.”

    “Those are wise words that are difficult to put into action,” she replied. “But you have to trust me when I tell you that time will lessen the ache.” Dacia palmed his shoulder and accepted his offered arm. As they returned to the kitchen, where Cassandra was waiting, she added, “Now let’s return to work and take our minds off of such dark things.”

*

    The water was cool as she glided through it. Anya’s breaths were trained, steady while she moved through the ripples. To keep the strain off of her finicky bones and muscles, Dr. Michel had decided that aquatic therapy was the best way for Anya to get all of her mobility back. She had to agree as she felt the water resist her movements.

    Anya could feel herself getting stronger. Thanks to Cerberus, her injuries had healed at an inhuman rate, but her body was a temperamental thing. It refused to work the way she remembered. It was frustrating to remember that she had once charged down a Reaper beam; or that she’d run between a Reaper’s legs, avoiding and killing brutes, as she summoned the mother of all thresher maws.

    Now, she needed crutches for walk down the hall. It was a step up from the wheelchair, but a long way from going toe to toe with another thresher.  The doctors and nurses alike assured her that she was progressing better than expected. Seeing as they hadn’t expected her to survive her injuries in the first place, Anya took their assurances with a grain of salt.

    “Alright, Commander,” her physical therapist said with a smile. “We’re done for today. Go towel off and head back up to Huerta. I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

    She let him help her up the steps and out of the swimming pool. Gathering her crutches, Anya made her way to the bathroom for a quick shower before returning to her waiting hospital bed.

    Settling into the elevator, Anya went to press the button that would take her to Huerta’s lobby.

    “Not that one,” the sudden sound of the familiar voice caused Anya to jump and reach for the sidearm that wasn’t there. Kasumi’s tactical cloak shimmered as it deactivated. There was a mischievous grin on her lips as she observed Anya.

    Pressing the button that would instead take them to the market levels, Kasumi scolded Anya’s reaction. “You’re losing your touch, Shep. Sneaking up on you was never that easy.”

    Anya released her surprise with a sigh. “Kasumi, you shouldn’t sneak up on me.”

    The thief’s snicker chimed in the elevator. “What were you going to do, club me with your crutches?” she toed the crutch in question and openly laughed at the thought. “You’d have to catch me first, Shep.”

    “Laugh it up, Kas,” Anya gave her a hard look. “One of these days I will be able to catch you; just bide your time.”

    “Ooh, I’m shaking.” Kasumi playfully shuddered.

    Smiling at her petite friend, Anya leaned back against the elevator’s wall and asked, “So where are you taking me, Ms. Goto?”

    Kasumi leaned against the opposite wall. Crossing her arms in front of her chest, her fingers tapped her arm as she gave Anya a smirk. “James is visiting the Citadel, and the gang is getting together for lunch. It’s been a while since we’ve all been in the same place at the same time without having to run off for this or that.” She shrugged. “And now that you’re mobile, we’d all like to see those crutches in action.”

    “I guess the gimp jokes are inevitable.” Anya also smirked.

    A laugh parted the thief’s lips. “We tease because we love you.”

    “And when I do actually club you all to death with these crutches, it’ll also be out of love.” She fell silent as she thought about this impending luncheon. It had been a long time since she and her former crew got together just to be together, but she didn’t know if she was up to it.

    Her friends and her parents were supportive through her recovery. Often they would stop by just to shoot the breeze while she struggled to find the desire to wake each morning. Something was different now. She was different. Anya felt as though she were clawing through every circle of hell just to make it through the day, and her friends were exactly the same people they had always been. The crucible that was her recovery was changing her, and she didn’t know if her friends would accept the person she was becoming.

    “Shep,” Kasumi pulled her from her thoughts.

    Blinking herself back into the present, Anya looked up to meet Kasumi’s concerned gaze. She apologized as she offered the short woman a brief smile. “I’m sorry, Kas, what were you saying?”

    “Nothing important,” the thief answered, “Only that I’d love to watch James and Jacob arm-wrestle.” Giving Anya a measured stare, she asked, “Is everything alright, Shepard.”

    “Great,” was her stiff reply. Anya smiled to iron out her curtness and quickly changed the subject. “I’m starving, what’s for lunch?”

    After only the briefest hesitation, Kasumi decided not to address Anya’s behavior. “We’re picking the kids up at Apollo Cafe, and then it’s up for debate if we eat somewhere else instead.”

    “I’ve eaten there before,” stated Anya as she remembered the somewhat awkward conversation she’d had with Kaiden after she turned down his desire for another romantic excursion. “The food’s pretty good.”

    The elevator doors opened before they had to be subjected to an awkward lack of conversation. Sliding out from the box, Kasumi playfully waved for Anya to speed it up. Shepard shook her head as she followed the tiny woman through the crowded shopping center towards their destination.

    Looking around, Anya marveled the rate in which the Citadel had recovered from the Reaper war.The Cerberus coup had left behind less damage, and had taken twice the time to clean up. Everything was still being pieced back together, she knew, but in only a handful of months it would be like nothing had happened at all.

    The progress was mostly architectural. People, as a whole, were incredibly adaptive, but the Reaper war wasn’t just something that they’d bounce back from. The people of the Citadel, and the entire galaxy, were hurting; the Council was fighting for balance, and the people were fighting for structure. As long as the Citadel looked like it was repaired, then the people who called it home could fool themselves into thinking there was a shred of stability left on the space station. They were all doing the best they could with what they had left. The harsh light she used to scope those around her did nothing but annoy her. There used to be a time when she’d been more understanding.

    Anya swung on her crutches, weaving through the crowd as Kasumi made a path. They made their way down a set of stairs and turned into the open aired restaurant. The group had an entire corner sectioned off so that everyone could have a seat, and several tables had been pushed together to accommodate all of them. When the group noticed Anya they got onto their feet and applauded theatrically, cheering and hollering as she and Kasumi joined them at the table. She tried to fight back the smile that snuck onto her lips at the sight of all her old friends and former colleagues.

    Garrus, James, Jacob, Miranda, Zaeed, Jack, Grunt, Wrex, and even Kelly all stood when she and Kasumi joined the gathering. They took turns embracing Anya, commenting on her recovery, how she managed to escape death yet again, and how good it was to count her among the living. Her sentiments were divided. Anya would forever relish the companionship of her old friends, but now she felt as though there was a vast distance between the person they thought they knew and who she now was.

    “Lola,” James gathered her into a tight embrace. When they pulled apart he motioned for her to take a seat in the empty chair between him and Wrex. “It’s good to see you up and running,” he glanced at the crutches she was setting down beside her seat, and corrected, “or should I say hobbling?”

    “Ha ha, Vega,” she made a carryon gesture to her muscle-clad friend. “Keep them coming, Jimbo. When I get better I’ll remember all the jokes you made.”

    Garrus’ mandibles flapped as he chuckled at the two of them. To James he cautioned, “I’d be careful if I were you, James. Every time she comes back from the dead, she gets a little bit scarier.” His eyes panned over to where Anya was seated, and his mirth dissipated at the sight of her amusement fading.

    An uncomfortable feeling began to nest in her stomach. There was an irritation at the back of her head at the sound of Garrus’ voice. It was like a scratching on the inside of her brain every time he spoke, looked at her, or even breathed.

    Anya clenched her jaw and forced herself to look at anyone but him. She didn’t know why she was reacting this way to him, he was her best friend, but her body tensed at the thought of breathing the same air. Logic insisted that he wasn’t a Marauder aiming a shot, and still she was wound tight enough to retaliate as if he was.

    “Easy, Shepard,” Wrex said from beside her. “I’ve seen you give Udina warmer looks than that.” Jostling her bones with a rough smack on the back, his boisterous laugh eased the tension that would have wove its way into their reunion. “How about a round of ryncol to loosen us all up?”

    Jack happily agreed. “Lord knows I could use a fucking drink.”

    Even though she refused to look at him, Anya could feel Garrus’ eyes on her. If she glanced over she’d see the question in his eyes, the hurt her sudden frosty regard of him was causing. She couldn’t bring herself to care. There was something about her turian friend that gave her this sick feeling. His presence angered her, and for no apparent reason. Anya wouldn’t have been able to explain it if she tried.

    Giving the old krogan beside her a small smile, Anya said, “Just a beer will be fine for me, thanks.”

    “Well at least it’s not water,” commented Zaeed. “You’re all going to need to be blindly drunk if I’m going to tell you about the time that I won a volus rolling contest.”

    Miranda shook her head but couldn’t help the smile on her face. Beside her Jacob took a swig of his beer and laughed, “This I have to hear.”

    “Then bottoms up,” Kasumi purred. “It’s time to get you drunk.”

    At the far end of the table, Kelly laughed at the mischievous simper on Kasumi’s lips. “Down girl,” she scolded, “Glances are the only thing you’re going to be stealing today.”

    The thief pouted, “You’re no fun.”

    Conversation and banter was easy for the lot of them. Anya had walked each and every one of them through a different kind of hell, and now they were the titans of a Reaper free galaxy. Leaning back in her seat, Anya swirled the beer that had been offered her and contemplated the liquid as she partially participated in the group’s merriment.

    Across the table, Garrus was still watching her and her hackles began to rise. There had been a time not too long ago that she could tell him anything. She counted on him to have her six even when they were in the thick of it, especially when they were in the thick of it. Garrus used to keep her grounded and level. Anya tried to remind herself of that as the hairs on her arms stood on end, her agitation causing an ache in her grinding teeth.

    She survived lunch and the endless chatter of her former teammates, and thanked every deity when people began excusing themselves to attend to their other responsibilities. Promises were made to do this again sometime, while others made arrangements to meet up in the near future..

    Anya collected her crutches and tried to make a break for it. She’d made it only a few steps before a hand grabbed her arm and stopped her in her tracks.

    “Not so fast, Lola,” the glint to James’ brown eyes was playful. “Join me at the bar,” he pointed his thumb over his shoulder, pointing towards his desired destination. “I’d like to have some one on one time with my dearly departed commander.”

    She glanced at the exit and noticed a certain scarred face turian waiting there for her. Giving James a smile she agreed. “Alright, Vega, let’s shoot the shit.”

    They meandered over to the bar and settled in between two conversing asari, and a turian and human talking about the state of the mass relays. As Anya took a seat at the bar and ordered a shot of whiskey, she gave James a once over and smiled. “Is Admiral Coats putting you through your paces, Lieutenant?”

    The bartender gave James another beer. With a soundless laugh, he nodded, “Yeah, he’s been working me pretty hard.” He took a swig and sighed. James’ brown eyes landed on Anya again, a large grin was plastered all over his face. “I even got to work under your old man for a little while.”

    “No kidding?” she took a sip of her whiskey and shook her head at what the two men would have thought of each other. “And what did you think of Admiral Shepard?”

    James’ grin turned shit eating, “I can definitely see where you got your badassery from, Lola.”

    “You haven’t met my mother.”

    “I bet they make one helluva powerhouse couple.” He laughed when Anya nodded deeply in agreement. Sighing, he grabbed his beer by the neck and gave it a quick swirl before taking another drink. James’ gaze was on the Citadel’s fake skies when he said, “It’s good to be moving again; doing something to make a difference, you know?”

    Glancing at her, he continued, “Before, while you were unconscious, I was getting antsy just waiting for something to happen. Sitting around and getting fat while there’s work to be done just isn’t for me.”

    “That doesn’t surprise me,” she commented. “You always used to give me lip whenever I sidelined you.”

    James smirked. “I’m a very versatile soldier, Shepard. There was no reason I shouldn’t have been accompanying you on every single mission.” His smile deepened when he was able to draw a stronger laugh from her. When he looked at her again Anya could have sworn that she saw a note of concern in those chocolate brown eyes. He blinked and the look was gone.

    “How about you, Lola? When the doc clears it, are you going active, or will you retire like the old woman you are?”

    “This old woman kicked your ass once, pendejo. Don’t tempt me a second time.” Returning James’ playful smile, her grin slowly fell as she considered his question. “I don’t know yet.”

    Anya took a long drink of her whiskey and grimaced as it went down. It had been a while since she drank anything but water, if she didn’t take it easy the alcohol was going to hit her hard.

    “I’m a soldier, I don’t know anything else, but maybe now I can see what else there is.” She shrugged and rubbed the back of her neck. “I don’t know. I still have time before I have to make any decisions one way or the other.”

    “Well I guess technically you are dead,” James gave her shoulder a brotherly bump. “You’re free to do whatever the hell you want.”

    True, though all she really wanted was to actually be dead. Anya sighed, would she ever shake this feeling? She allowed herself to ease back into unstrained conversation with James. He was like the little brother she never wanted, and she was going to take advantage of his presence for as long as she could.