Misgiving Ch 26

Thane silently watched as Anya paced the cargo area. The metallic flooring creaked under her boots, rhythmically drumming like a new age instrument. He could feel her nerves, and could smell her anxiety. They were mere minutes from landing on Rannoch and then Anya would have to do something he knew she wasn’t accustomed to doing. She’d have to apologize.

“This is a mistake,” she muttered as she desperately combed her fingers through her hair. Anya shook her head, her emerald eyes watching her pacing feet as she continued to wear a track into the floor.

“He’s never going to forgive me; not after how I treated him.” She bit her lip and whispered, “I wouldn’t forgive me.”

Standing from the crate he’d been leaning on, Thane intercepted his mate before she could do another lap around the cargo area. He held her by the shoulders in an attempt to infect her with his confidence. When her green gaze lifted to meet his, Thane smiled warmly. “Siha, I’ve seen you wrangle a thresher maw, laughing the entire time. This is Garrus, he’s your friend --”

“Is he?” she interrupted. Anya shook her head again as if to answer her own question. “You don’t know what I did to him. You don’t know how I was.” She looked away from Thane, defeat already showing clearly in her eyes.

He held her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. When he found remorse in her eyes, Thane agreed, “You’re right, I don’t know; I wasn’t there. But I do know that Garrus respects you and loves you like family. I do know that if your roles were reversed you would forgive him. You just have to do your part and apologize. Whatever happens after that is up to Garrus.”

Anya bit her lip as she searched his eyes, seeking to duplicate his strength with a fabrication of her own. When the pilot announced their arrival, she let out a sigh and rolled her shoulders, steeling herself for the challenge to come. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”

Offering her a reassuring smile, Thane picked up their bags and followed Anya toward the exit. When the cargo bay door descended into a ramp, it was to reveal a welcoming party waiting for them on Rannoch’s clay colored sands.

His mate shrugged off her apprehension at the sight of Tali waiting for them. A grin spread across her full lips and she ran down the ramp and into the quarian’s arms. The women held each other tightly, squeezing and laughing as though it had been years instead of monthssince they’d last seen one another.

As he stepped off of the ship he heard Tali saying, “It’s so good to see you again. I was afraid I might never get a chance to.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Tali,” scolded Anya as she released the quarian from their embrace. “I wouldn’t dare to die before seeing your house on a hilltop.”

Tali didn’t reply, knowing as well as Thane did that Anya had ignored her meaning. Turning towards Thane, Tali’s elation emanated through her body language. She wrapped her arms around his neck, not caring that his hands were too full to return her embrace.

“Thane,” she breathed, the smile hidden behind her visor was loud enough to be heard in her voice. “Even when I saw you on the terminal I could hardly believe it. You’re alive.”

When she released him from her arms, Thane smiled down at the petite quarian. “I can hardly believe it myself sometimes. It’s great to see you again, Tali.” Glancing down at the young quarian child beside her, Thane wondered, “This must be Jonah.”

“It is,” Tali wrapped an arm around the boys shoulders and introduced them. “Jonah, these are very good friends of mine, Thane Krios and Anya Shepard. They’re going to be visiting for a little while.”

Jonah positioned himself so that half of his body was hiding behind Tali. Anya smiled down at the boy. Placing her hands on her knees, she lowered herself to his eye level. “It’s nice to meet you, Jonah.”

“You too,” his boyish voice squeaked before stepping further behind Tali.

Straightening back up, Anya looked at the beautiful landscape around them  before asking, “Where’s Garrus?”

Tali fidgeted uncomfortably for a second. “He’s waiting for us at home.”

Thane regarded Tali carefully as he asked, “He does know that we’re coming, doesn’t he?” Thane knew Garrus well enough to know that the turian did not like surprises; and he doubted that this kind of surprise would have been well received.

Nodding, Tali assured them, “He knows. He just wasn’t ecstatic that I didn’t consult him before inviting both of you out here.” To the nervous look that returned to Anya’s expression, Tali said, “Don’t worry, everything’s fine.”

Anya looked over her shoulder to meet Thane’s gaze. He looked down at his mate and offered her a small smile as encouragement. He knew that she was nervous, if they didn’t proceed with caution she’d defer to her fight or flight instinct. Nodding, he repeated Tali’s reassurances, “Everything’s fine.”

She didn’t look convinced, but Anya nodded; she trusted her mate and her friend to help her through this. Releasing her distress with a sigh, Anya said, “Time to face the beast, eh Jonah?”

The boy looked up at Tali and wondered, “Who’s the beast?”

“That would be Garrus,” Tali answered as she took Jonah’s hand in hers and led them toward the sky-car parked some distance away.

Jonah looked back at Anya and laughed, “You’re scared of Garrus?” He laughed again, louder this time, “Why? He’s funny!”

Anya walked alongside Jonah and patted him on the head. “You don’t know him like I do, kid.” She made an exaggeratedly fearful face, and explained, “He can be scary when he wants to be.”

When Tali popped the trunk, Thane placed their luggage inside and joined them in the sky-car. It was a silent ride from the docks to the Vakarian home, giving Thane enough time to admire their surroundings.

He shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was to learn how efficient quarians were as a people. They had only reclaimed their planet a little over a year ago, and already small towns were sprouting like bean stocks. A metropolis was budding on Rannoch, and it’s people were prospering.

“You guys don’t waste any time do you?” asked Anya as she peered out the window. Glancing at Tali, she wondered, “Does Rannoch have a strip joint yet?”

Tali scoffed and shook her head, in the seat beside her Jonah asked, “What’s a strip joint?”

Thane didn’t need to be able to see Tali’s face to know that she was boring into Anya a scathing look. “It’s a place where you break down old and broken ships and shuttles for spare parts,” she gently explained to the young boy.

“We have those,” Jonah turned in his seat to face Thane and Anya in the back of the sky-car. “We have a lot of strip joints.”

Giving the woman beside him a sidelong glance, Thane shook his head at Anya who was covering her mouth with a hand to stifle her laughter.

“Keelah, Shepard. You’ve hardly been here ten minutes,” Tali berated her former commander.

Snickering, Anya shrugged off Tali’s displeasure and remarked, “He live’s with Garrus, the kid’s probably heard much worse than that. Haven’t you Jonah?”

The boy nodded at Anya, even though it was obvious that he wasn’t really following her meaning. Thane shook his head again, fighting the smirk from his lips as he returned his attention to the vista beyond the tinted window. He knew Anya was still nervous about confronting Garrus; she was playing with Jonah in order to distract herself from that feeling.

They zipped through open air for a few more minutes until Tali pulled the car up a slope, climbing the terrain until they came upon a lovingly put together home. The design reminded Thane of vids of Earth’s twenty-first century villa styled homes. It was a rich earthy color, and the surrounding foliage was carefully tended. The expansive windows and airy structure allowed wind and light to circulate through its interior. Thane was awestruck. Tali’s home was incredible.

Whistling as she peered out Thane’s window, Anya murmured, “Looks like you’ve been putting your royalties to good use, Tali.”

Her smile was loud in her voice as Tali replied, “We’ve done alright for ourselves.” She steered the sky-car up the driveway and parked it in front of the large house. The doors unlocked when she switched off the ignition and they freed themselves from the compact vehicle, welcoming the temperate Rannoch climate.

As Thane rounded the vehicle to retrieve his and Anya’s belongings. Jonah followed him, excitedly crying out, “I can help you!” He watched Thane start to remove their luggage from the trunk. Wrapping his three fingers around the handle he tried to heave up the suit case.

Thane smiled at the young quarian boy and offered him another bag. “That one,” he pointed to the large bag Jonah had just tried to lift, “belongs to Anya. She tends to overpack.”

“I heard that,” Anya sounded from up the walkway as she and Tali headed toward the house.

Accepting the offered bag from Thane, Jonah waited for him to collect the remaining luggage before leading Thane up the path the females had just taken.

“Do you and Anya have kids?” asked the young boy.

“Not yet,” Thane smiled down at the little boy, wondering what his childish grin looked like under that visor. His smile grew as he shared, “But we have a nephew that’s about your age. Maybe next time we come to visit we can bring him.”

“I’d like that.” Jonah hefted the bag up the few steps to the door and led Thane into the house.

Thane paused at the entrance, struck speechless at the beauty of the Vakarian home. The ceiling was vaulted and the walls were a pure white color, aesthetically accented with calming earthy tones. The furniture was a combination of modern styles and classic designs, decorated with vibrant bursts of eye-catching color. Thane set the bags down on the floor and gawked at the beautiful home he had just stepped into.

Tali and Anya rounded the corner, looking for the man and boy that had lagged behind. When his mate met his gaze she said, “There you are, Krios. I thought we’d lost you in the garden or something.”

Chuckling at Anya’s exaggeration, Tali waved for Thane to follow her. “Come on, I’ll show you where you can put your things.”

He, Anya, and Jonah followed Tali through the spacious home; cutting through the kitchen, past the den, and down a hall until they stepped into the spare bedroom. The bed was inviting, and the windows let in the perfect amount of light. It was a large room with a private bathroom, a space by the window with a chaise, and a comfortable looking king sized bed.

Anya’s whistle pierced through the air again. “Gods, Tali. You guys don’t play around when it comes to interior decorating.”

“You can blame Garrus for that,” Tali replied with a laugh. “The doors are also reinforced and the windows are bulletproof. If you don’t punch in the passcode within a minute of coming inside from any entrance you risk being shot down by hidden turrets firing cryo rounds.”

Chuckling at Tali’s home security, Anya shook her head and said, “Remind me to never break into your house.”

“This will probably be the only warning you’ll get,” teased Tali. “Are either of you hungry? I did some grocery shopping so we have plenty to feed you.”

Thane placed their luggage on the bed and glanced at Anya. She watched him for a moment and he recognized the unsure look in her eyes. Giving his mate a slight nod, he returned his attention to their hospitable hostess.

“Actually,” Anya’s discomfort was audible in her voice. “I was hoping to speak with Garrus now.”

Tali watched Anya closely for a moment, as though commending her courage in ‘facing the beast’. Nodding, she said, “He’s in the veranda out back.” Pointing her attention to the young quarian child beside her, Tali wondered, “How about we show Thane your new bike!”

Nodding excitedly, Jonah immediately agreed. “It goes really, really fast.” The child was gone a second later, running through the house in pursuit of the bike in question.

“No running in the house, Jonah,” Tali shouted after him before looking back at Thane and Anya. “I can honestly say I never thought I’d ever say that in my entire life.” Following the boy through the house, Tali disappeared into the hallway and left Thane and Anya alone for a moment.

Thane walked across the room to where Anya stood by the window. Placing his hands on her shoulders, he kissed the top of her head, breathing her in as he pulled her back against his chest. “This needs to be done, Siha. For both of your sakes.”

Anya sighed but nodded in agreement. She turned in his arms and pressed her lips against his. Stepping out of his embrace, she said, “Wish me luck.”

“You won’t need it,” Thane smiled at his mate. When she gave him a desperate look, Thane appeased her by adding, “But good luck none the less.”

“Thanks,” she murmured. With a resolute breath she straightened her shoulders and cracked the bones in her neck. She was acting as though they were about to step off of a shuttle and into a horde of Collectors, not talk to an old friend. Rubbing her hands together she finally forced her body to move towards the exit.

“I can do this,” Anya repeated to herself as she left the guest room and moved to the back of the house towards the veranda.

Anya concentrated on her breathing as she approached the sliding glass door that led to the veranda. She could see Garrus just outside the glass, leaning on the railing as he watched the sun’s lazy descent into darkness. She bit her lip between her teeth as she watched him closely.

His spine was ramrod straight, his body tense as though he were standing in the middle of a nest of Reaper Rachni. Except when they actually had been standing in the middle of a Reaper Rachni nest, Anya remembered Garrus being much more relaxed than he was now. He knew she was there, and he wasn’t happy about it. When the metalic taste of blood filled her mouth, Anya released her lip from between her teeth with a sigh. It was time to man up and face the music.

When the sliding glass door opened with a hiss, Garrus’ only acknowledgement of the sound was the slight tilt of his head. His attention was fixed forward, and Anya was both glad and disappointed that he wouldn’t turn to face her. On one hand she didn’t have to see the anger and pain she’d surely find in his steel blue eyes; on the other, his not turning to face her meant that he wasn’t in a very forgiving mood. She was a fool to think he ever would be.

Ignoring the voice in the back of her head that told her to run, to get out of this house --even off this planet-- Anya forced her feet forward until she was standing beside Garrus. She placed her hands on the railing, her knuckles turning white as she squeezed the railing in attempt to keep from running away.

“Hey, Garrus,” Anya cleared the discomfort from her throat when his only response was a slight flap of his mandibles. “So, uh,” she gave Garrus a weary sidelong glance. “Nice place you got here.”

An irritated breath spilled from Garrus as he rubbed a hand over his face. She’d said less than ten words to him and he was already losing his patience with her. Slightly turning toward her, Garrus regarded her with an irritable glare for a moment as if he were waiting for her to get on with it.

“Okay,” she drawled out, her nerves growing by the second. Deciding that it might be best to skip the pleasantries, Anya stated, “Look, Garrus, I think it’s time that we talk.”

He scoffed, the steel blue of his eyes hardening with his anger. Mandible’s flaring, Garrus repeated, “Talk. You’re finally ready to talk, Shepard?”

Furrowing her brows, Anya tried to ignore the loathing in his tone. She knew she deserved this. She’d tried to brace herself for it, but no amount of preparation could have readied her for the pain of that cutting glare. She nodded reluctantly, “If you’re up to it.”

Garrus shook his head incredulously. “I was ‘up to’  talking over a year ago, around the time that you shut me out of your life completely.” He made a choked sound as he tried to give voice to his anger. “You didn’t even bother to tell me why. I could have handled the hate if I had just known why.”

“I didn’t hate you, Garrus --”

“You threatened to rip my face off.” His eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t even look at me, much less talk to me. The day Tali and I left for Rannoch you touched my shoulder and then actually wiped your hand off, like I’m some sort of diseased invalid. If that’s not what you consider hate, Shepard, then maybe I should count myself lucky.”

“Fine,” she bit out. “I hated you.” His eyes widened with her admission. He looked surprised that she’d say it out loud, but he didn’t look surprised that she had felt that way. Straightening her back, Anya mustered the will to continue. “I hated you more than I could ever explain.”

His brow plates furrowed. Garrus crossed his arms in front of his chest and gave her a disgusted once over. The heat of his ire was scathing, Anya could almost feel the welts and boils surfacing along her skin. Shaking his head, he dared to ask, “Why though? What did I do to deserve that kind of hate?”

When Anya’s lips thinned, he mistook her silence as a refusal to answer. She could feel the currents of his subharmonics causing the air between them to vibrate with his rage. His fury was causing goosebumps to prickle along her arms. “I saved you, Shepard. It was me. I volunteered James and myself to the search party on ground zero. I got us to the Citadel. I kept hoping we’d find you, even when it felt impossible. I found you in the rubble and I pulled you out. You’re alive today because of me, and you repaid me with inexplicable hate.”

“That’s why I hated you,” she whispered, her voice shaking with the confession. And now Anya hated herself. Garrus was her best friend and she’d been a monster toward him. She had taken everything he'd done for her and thrown it back in his face, and to add insult to injury, she hadn't even told him why. If she wanted to salvage what was left of their friendship, Anya was going to have to try and explain.

"You saved me." Confusion twisted his features and, with a deep breath, Anya forced herself to try and explain it all so that he might understand. "I wanted to die, Garrus. After the Cerberus coup, after I lost Thane, the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I wouldn't survive the Reaper War. You can imagine my surprise when I woke to find that I wasn't across the sea with Thane, but that I was still alive; and it was because of you."

Biting her lip, Anya forced herself to keep her gaze locked with his. She'd been weak before, but now she needed to be strong. Garrus deserved an explanation, and she was determined to give him one. "Because of you, I would have to fight every second of every day for the rest of my life, I would have to survive my own personal hell until the day I finally died. Dr. Michel said that if I had stayed buried in the rubble for a minute longer I would have died. That's all I needed, a minute, but you found me and you took that away from me."

She wiped away the stray tears that had snuck past her defenses and fled down her cheeks. Clearing the emotion from her throat, Anya's voice faltered as she went on. "I blamed you. Yeah, it was the doctors that fixed me up, and it was a huge cosmic joke that kept my heart pumping, but it was you who found me. I didn't understand it at the time. I knew in my head that you didn't do anything wrong, that you were --are-- my best friend and that I love you; but my heart was broken and it was easier to blame it all on you than it was to face the second chance you gave me."

Garrus stared at her for a beat. His mandibles flared as he tried to swallow the explanation she'd given him. After a moment he asked, "Why couldn't you talk to me, Shepard? Or, if not me, anyone else? You have friends and family that love you and care about you, but you shut us all out in one way or another. Why weren't we enough for you?"

“Because as much as I love and care about all of you, I love and care about Thane more.” It was a simple and painful truth. No one else would ever be enough to keep her from her mate. “I was an insufferable beast to you, and there aren’t any words in this galaxy strong enough to express to you how sorry I am. I blamed you before, and now I have you to thank for all the same reasons.” A humorless chortle burst from her as she shook her head. “If you hadn’t pulled me from the rubble I’d be dead. I’d be standing on a sea shore, alone, and Thane would be here, alive and well."

“It’s because of you that I get another chance to have a life with him; a long, healthy, and full life. I get to be with the man I love and have a family thanks to you.” Anya gazed openly at Garrus, not bothering to keep her emotions from playing on her features.

If she were a turian, her subharmonics would be trilling with her remorse and gratitude. It was times like this that she hated how limited humans were when it came to self expression. There was no way for Garrus to understand how she felt.

Sighing, Anya admitted, “I will never be able express to you how grateful I am that you pulled me out of the Catalyst’s wreckage. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am for the way I treated you afterwards. You never know how you’re going to react in a situation until it happens, and I reacted shamefully. You’re family, Garrus. I love you like I love Michael, and I still pushed you away. I hurt you, and I know that now. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I just want you to know that I am so sorry. If I’ve already lost you, I have only myself to blame.”

Garrus shook his head before turning and pacing away from her. The anger that was on his face now looked forced, like he was making himself retain the emotion in order to get through the rest of their conversation.

“You think you can just apologize and I’ll forget about everything?” The anger in his glare ripped her to pieces for the second that it was on her. “You made me feel this big, Shepard.” He held up his hand with barely an inch of space between his first digit and thumb.

He continued to pace, letting out his anger in sharp biting bursts. “I get that you had to work it out yourself, but I wanted to be there for you. You not only pushed me away, you cut me out of your life completely. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?”

When his glare landed on her again Anya shook her head, allowing a tear to run down her cheek unchecked.

“It hurt a lot,” he spat, answering his own question. “I was alone. My best friend wanted me gone and the woman I love was missing. I was stuck on the Citadel, helping bureaucrats and politicians sort through the post war bullshit, in shambles because everything I cared about was gone.”

Garrus stopped pacing, his gaze was pointed at his feet as he admitted, “I needed you, Shepard. I needed my best friend, and it felt like you wanted me dead.” He removed his gaze from the floor and returned his attention to her. Anya’s heart broke at the pain she found in those steel blue eyes.

Gasping, Anya choked on a sob. She shook her head and tried to fight back the tears that threatened to overtake her. “I am so sorry,” she covered her mouth with a hand, and sniffed back her attacking emotions. “Gare-Bear, please forgive me.”

He watched her break down for a moment, cautious of her tears and her blatant show of unadulterated emotion. After a minute his mandible’s flicked and his body loosened as he released the last of his anger with a breath. Anya realized how much tension he had been harboring. Garrus’s stance was now like she remembered it had been before she’d been so cruel to him.

Garrus closed the distance between them and pulled her into a constricting embrace; one which Anya returned with equal ferocity. She buried her face in his shoulder and sobbed, ashamed of how she treated him.

His body rumbled as he chuckled to himself. Patting her on the back, Garrus admitted, “I didn’t ever think that I’d actually miss you calling me Gare-Bear.”

Anya couldn’t help but laugh as well. When Garrus released her from their hug she dried her eyes and sniffed away the evidence of her tears. Smiling at Garrus, she said, “Not as much as I missed calling you that.” The smile fell from her lips as she repeated, “I really am sorry, Garrus, for everything.”

“I know,” he nodded, his face plates shifting with his understanding. “I forgive you, Shepard. We’ve been through a lot together, we’ll make it through this too.”

She smiled up at her best friend, relieved that at last they had talked it out and they were finally on the road to recovery. Putting the pieces of their friendship back together was important to her. She’d shut him out before, and now he needed time to regain the trust he’d had in her in the past.

The sound of the sliding glass door opening caused both of them to turn. Thane, Jonah, and Tali exited the house and joined Anya and Garrus on the veranda. Thane offered Anya a supportive smile as he strode over to her. Placing a kiss on the top of her head, he wrapped her in his strong arms and comfortingly rubbed her back.

Tali joined Garrus by the railing and eased herself against his side. Looking between Garrus and Anya, she wondered, “Did you two work everything out?”

Anya’s looked towards Garrus and waited expectantly for his answer. He gave her a reassuring nod before answering, “Everything’s looking up.”

As Jonah leaned over the railing, he said, “We should take Anya to a strip joint tomorrow.”

The look that Garrus gave Tali was horrified. The quarian woman laughed as she explained, “Shepard asked if we had any strip joints in town, and I explained to Jonah that that’s where we take old ships for salvage.”

His mandibles flapped with amusement as Garrus shook his head. He looked at Anya and chuckled. “We do have a strip club in town, it’s called Suicide Dolls.”

Laughing, Anya rebutted, “I’m sure it’s the sickest spot on Rannoch.” She shook her head, unsurprised that their banter hadn’t improved any in the last year and a half. “Gods, I’ve missed you, Gare-Bear.”