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To the Void and Back Ch11

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Title: To the Void and Back
Author: ElCapitan18
Game: Dragon Age
Characters/Pairing: F!Lavellan and Cullen
Disclaimer: All recognizable content belongs to Bioware

(Spoilers All)
~*~

The familiar sounds of war roared throughout the night. Firing trebuchets hurled balls of fire into the heavens until they came crashing down on Adamant's walls. Cries arose from the soldiers’ throats, screams of death and bellows of determination filling the air with the songs of combat. Cullen had known battle before, had trained for it, had prepared for it. First in the Tower, then at the Gallows, and now here; with the Inquisition, and this time he was commanding its course.

How many men had he lost already? The Grey Wardens were desperate, if that hadn’t been obvious from the beginning, and they were making the mistakes because of that desperation. Cullen was losing soldiers, but not as many as he had anticipated. It appeared that at least some of the rigorous training had stuck with his men, and lives were being spared because of it.

Cullen gazed over the battlefield. He called for his men to fix their formation before they lost any more soldiers to stray arrows or thrown stones. Glancing up at Adamant's walls, he allowed a breath to flow through him. Delani and her team were weaving through Grey Wardens and demons, clearing the walls so that Cullen’s men could get a foothold. As soon as those walls were clear the fortress was as good as theirs. All that there would be left to contend with was Warden-Commander Clarel and, if he knew Delani half as well as he thought he did, by the time the rest of the Inquisition’s forces joined her the battle would be all but won.

Refocusing on the battle, Cullen forced back the wariness and the dread that were budding inside of him. They were in a middle of a battle and Delani was at its point. She was running face first into danger, again, and he couldn’t be there to protect her. He supposed that he should be accustomed to this feeling by now, but the fact of the matter was that Cullen doubted that he would ever get used to sending her off into danger.

He shoved all other thoughts to the back of his mind. He had to remain focused on the fight. His men were looking to him for direction. Their lives depended on him keeping his mind in the here and now, and here and now was a fight for their lives against Grey Wardens.

Cullen remembered the first time he ever met a Grey Warden. It had been after the Circle had fallen to demons and blood mages. He had already endured days, weeks, of… so much. Andraste had preserved him, kept him, protected him from succumbing to the same fate his brothers had fallen prey to. And then one day a woman had appeared and he’d thought it to be another vision.

His first Grey Warden had also happened to be his first encounter with a Dalish elf. Cullen had not been in his right mind during the meeting. Pain, desperation, and all consuming terror had abducted all reason from him. Already so much death had occurred, and he had demanded more. She had come to save the Circle and he’d pleaded with her to destroy it. That was the first time that Cullen had encountered Dalish determination, and stubbornness, and after meeting Delani he knew for certain that they were traits easily found in the Dalish people.

The Hero of Ferelden had done what she did best and saved the Circle, himself included. She’d come to him after the fighting had finally met its end, when Uldred had been put down like the dog he was, and she’d tried to make sure that Cullen was alright. Unfortunately the trauma that Cullen had suffered had to run its course before he could begin to even feign normalcy. She had been careful not to touch him, but she had held his gaze and assured him that he was going to be alright. She had shown him kindness, and it was yet another attribute that Cullen was now associating with the Dalish people.

“Commander,” one of his lieutenants called for his attention. Staring up at where Cullen was surveying the battlefield, the man shouted, “The Wardens are regrouping at the north gate!”

It was just as planned. The Wardens’ desperation was costing them dearly. At this rate it wouldn’t be much longer now. Nodding his satisfaction with the report, Cullen shouted back, “Good. Get our archers on those walls. I want the Wardens surrounded, give them no quarter.”

The lieutenant saluted in understanding before doing what he had been told. Cullen sucked in a deep and calming breath. The tides of war were turning in their favor, but they hadn’t won yet. One wrong move now could be costly.

The fight continued at a steady pace. The Inquisition pushed forward until most of their forces were inside of the fortress. Just when it appeared as though the battle was nearing its end, a deafening roar shook through the heavens like rolling thunder. Cullen’s stomach fell with the sound, his heart lurching into his throat. Swallowing hard, he turned his head in the direction of flapping wings and cursed at the sight of Corypheus’s arch demon flying toward Adamant.

Maker turn his gaze on us all. Cullen stared in wide eyed horror as the dragon swooped down on the fortress. A red energy poured from between its maw, not fire but something a thousand times worse. The electrical red fluid fell over the heads of soldiers, their cries echoing out through the night, louder than ever.

Swallowing hard, Cullen watched helplessly as he saw figures that looked like Delani and her team rushing over the ramparts after Warden-Commander Clarel. There was a slight commotion at the edge of the dead-drop, before Clarel was taken into the arch demon’s mouth, and she was tossed about like a rag doll.

His heart plummeted into his gut as the monstrous beast began to inch toward Delani and her team. Dread flowed through him like rivers of ice water. All he could do was sit and watch as the arch demon crept nearer and nearer to Delani until a magical burst of light blasted through the night, the explosion deafening and blinding him for a moment before his senses refocused.

Cullen ignored the ringing in his ears as he watched the broken ramparts of Adamant Fortress begin to crumble. First it was only a few stones, and then it was all of them. The arch demon fell, clawing at the air as it attempted to regain control of its wings. His teeth ached as he clenched them, his heart pounding deafeningly in his ears as Cullen prayed that Delani made it off of those ramparts in time.

She and her team were faint specs on the walls, but even at this distance he could see that they would not make it. The stones were falling faster than their legs could carry them. After a second the whole structure gave way and succumbed to gravity. Stones fell, bodies fell, his friends, the Inquisitor. Delani!

No!” Cullen screamed into the night. His stomach rolled, threatening to expel all of its contents. Uncontrollable, unbearable, petrifying fear paralyzed him as he watched Delani plummet to what would surely be her death. He had just gotten her as his own, had just learned what it would be like to be with a woman he was so undeserving of, and the Maker was stealing her from him.

Just as his heart was about to shatter to a million pieces a flash of green light tore through the air. The space where stone and structure had just been toppling to the ground was replaced by a green rip in the Veil. Debris fell from this dimension into the next, Delani and the others falling along with it. As soon as they were through the gaping hole in the sky, the tear resealed and they were gone.

Cullen wrangled with this overwhelming sense of loss. Delani had opened that tear in the Fade. She hadn’t fallen to her death. There was a chance that she was still alive, that he would see her at the end of this battle. He needed to hold out faith. Delani had returned to him after Haven. She would find her way back to his arms again.

Maker, he pleaded to a deity that had always remained silent when he needed Him most. Please bring her back to me.

~*~

Fenedhis, Delani swore. It was always one thing after the other. Just once she wanted to go into a fight and not end up in the Beyond. First it was when recruiting the assistance of the Templars, and now again after being attacked by an arch demon. Yes, she’d been the one to bring them all here this time around, but it hadn’t been intentional.

That fall was going to end all of their lives. Delani would have splattered against dirt and stone like an egg knocked from its nest. She couldn’t afford to die, not when she had so much to live for, not when her clan’s continual survival depended on her, not when her relationship with Cullen was still so new. Death was not an option, she must have known that on a subatomic level because her tearing open the Veil hadn’t been a feat of conscious decision.

One second she had been falling, dreading the fate that awaited her on the sharp rocks below, and then the next moment she was surrounded by green light. They were standing physically in the Beyond, trespassing in a realm that had been tainted more than a millennia before their arrival. It wasn’t supposed to be possible, and yet here they stood.

Delani ignored Dorian and Solas as they chattered in background of her thoughts. The two men were completely enthralled by their surroundings. Ever the scholar, Dorian was concerning himself with the science of it all. He wanted to understand what had happened to them, and this new realm to which they didn’t belong. And Solas appeared to just be happy to be standing in this impossible place. They went back and forth discussing their surroundings while the rest of the group trudged quietly along behind Delani.

As much as she enjoyed listening to Solas’s tales about the Beyond, participating in her own had not been on Delani’s agenda for the day. She had to agree with Bull on this one, the Beyond was creepy and eerie, and the sooner they escaped the better for all of them.

Her shoulder ached from where her body had collided with a rather large piece of rubble, right before she’d torn open the Veil and transported them into the Beyond. The collision had caused her to dislocate her shoulder and, as soon as they realized where they were, Delani had asked Bull to help her set it back into place. It was far from her only ache, but it was the most prominent one. Fighting off waves of demons was not helping with the pain.

Divine Justinia, or the spirit, whatever she was had already helped Delani regain a majority of her memories. All that was left were a few remaining obstacles and then facing the fear demon himself. The thought filled her with dread. Delani had this gut deep feeling of foreboding. She’d felt it the moment she’d ripped open the Veil. This would not end well.

Focus, she commanded herself, straightening her spine and rolling her shoulders. They were almost out of there. Once the fear demon was dealt with they could step through the tear and back into their own reality. It would take weeks for her to scrub her mind clean of everything they'd seen here but, Creators, she was going to try.

They walked for a little while until something caught Delani’s attention in the distance. There was a fence on the far end of the valley they were trudging through. Behind it were what appeared to be tomb stones. Curious, Delani went to go explore the misplaced graveyard.

“Did you find something, Boss?” asked Bull, dread in his voice. “It’s not more demons, is it? I fucking hate demons.”

She ignored him, maintaining the cool exterior she’d summoned upon dropping herself and the others into the Beyond. Survival and escape were the only things on her mind. Keeping up distracting conversation was not how she was going to achieve those things, so she didn’t even bother. Besides, Bella was spewing out enough nervous, sarcastic nonsense for the whole lot of them. If any of them found Delani’s stoic behavior disconcerting, no one had said anything about it thus far.

Stepping past the fence, Delani confirmed that the area was in fact a grave yard. Intrigued, she set out read the names inscribed on the tomb stones. Her stomach fell as she recognized the name to whom the grave belonged.

Blackwall
Himself


She moved to the next, her heart rate picking up.

Cole
Despair


Solas
Dying Alone


Dread spread through her like the cool burn of frost bite. These were not graves, they were her companions' greatest fears. She quickly scanned over each of them, trying not to dwell on what she read. It wasn’t her right to know what terrified her friends. If they wanted her to have access to that information they would have shared it with her themselves. It wasn’t their fears that she was after anyway, it was her own.

There was a tall tomb in the back of the graveyard. It was a marvelous thing, too beautifully crafted for its terrible purpose. Barren tree branches were carved into the polished stone. The design was artful, breathtaking, mesmerizing. It was a distraction from the words beautifully etched into the stone. Delani read it, her heart sinking into her stomach as she felt the truth of the text consume her very soul.

Delani Lavellan
Impotence


Iron Bull, who was looming behind her, reading the text over her shoulder, let out a low and rumbling laugh. “What’s the matter, Boss?” His tone was mocking, desperately making light of a situation they were all finding unbearably uncomfortable. Nudging her shoulder a massive hand, he joked, “Can’t get it up for the Commander?”

She set her jaw and shrugged his hand off of her shoulder. Taking a deep breath to steady the roll of her stomach, Delani turned sharply on her heel and fled from the graveyard. No, Delani wasn’t afraid of an inability to ‘get it up’. Her fear was simply inability. That was it. Inability to take action, inability to save her people. It was being helpless, powerless, and useless, not being enough to do what had to be done. It was a legitimate fear, and she did not need to be mocked over the phrasing.

Swallowing back the nausea that had come with reading her tombstone, Delani led the group with renewed purpose. They needed to leave this realm of nightmares and demons. They needed to return to reality, to where the world made sense. Impotence, inadequacy, dearth, she couldn’t afford any of these traits. Her team, her people, the Inquisition, they were all depending on her to be more than enough. They needed her to be stronger than her fears. Delani hoped that she didn’t disappoint them the same way she had her father.

Forgive me, Papae, she thought, remembering the warm chestnut color of her fathers eyes. If I had been more you would still be with me.

~*~

A cool breeze swept through the training ground, gently caressing her sweat covered skin. Delani and Iron Bull were of like mind when it came to cleansing their thoughts of the memory of everything that had happened in the Beyond. Where Bull wanted to be beaten to a pulp by a rod in order to prove to himself that he was stronger than his fears, Delani needed to fatigue every muscle in her body with a strenuous workout.

“Fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four,” Iron Bull counted from above her, keeping track of how many pushups she’d done.

Already her arms were starting to shake under the strain. She’d done more than a hundred pull-ups, and thrown countless punches at Iron Bull’s calloused palms. The energy left in her shoulders and arms was depleting. Delani was wringing every last drop of energy from her muscles like water from a rag.

It didn’t matter that if she kept it up she was likely to collapse. That was the goal, after all. She wanted to push herself so far over the edge of exhaustion that she didn't even have the energy to remember. She wanted to forget the Beyond, she wanted to forget her tombstone, she wanted to forget the horror that had grown at having her greatest fear being given a name. There was power in names, and now that her fear had one, she needed to shake off the power that it had over her.

Bull continued to count, “Sixty, sixty-one,” his tone grew harsh when he noticed her shaking arms slowing her progress. “Come on, Boss. Sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty…four. Only thirty-six more, Boss, then we’re done.”

Only thirty-six more until they were done with her upper body. She still had her core and her legs to workout. Delani wanted to push herself so hard that the simple task of getting herself out of bed was taxing. She wanted to feel the familiar ache in all of her muscles. She wanted her body to hate her just as much as she had hated the Beyond. It was the only way she knew how to loosen the memory’s hold over her.

The faint sounds of footsteps registered in the back of her mind, but Delani quickly dismissed them. Skyhold was busy today. Their victory at Adamant Fortress had greatly bolstered morale. Soldiers, runners, barmaids, people in general had been walking excitedly around Skyhold all day. They would offer her and Iron Bull congratulations on their victory as they passed. She assumed that the approaching footsteps belonged to someone else wanting to give them praise.

“Hey, Commander,” Iron Bull said, lifting her attention from her workout.

She glanced past her brow to find Cullen stepping up to stand beside Bull. His amber gaze was on her, curious and admiring as he watched her continue to push herself through her exercises. Delani returned her focus to the ground beneath her, to the smell of the dirt, to the feel of the stones digging into her palms. She furiously ignored the blood rushing to her cheeks at the sight of his eyes appreciating her muscle structure.

Delani had to complete her workout before she allowed herself to acknowledge Cullen, or the world around her for that matter. Her memories, her fears, Adamant and the Beyond had shaken Delani, and this was the only way she knew how to regain control of her mind. If she allowed herself to be distracted by Cullen before her mental scrubbing was complete, it would haunt her for days to come.

“Iron Bull,” Cullen’s beautiful voice returned Bull’s greeting. He moved his attention to Delani and she could hear the disapproval in his voice when he inquired, “How is your shoulder, Inquisitor?”

Knowing that he was going to try and pull her from her workout before she was finished, Delani grunted, “Fine.” She lowered herself to the ground before she pushed herself up again, trying desperately to stop her arms from shaking from fatigue.

The sound of his disapproval rang louder in his tone when he challenged her, “Really?” She nodded once, and he reminded her, “Because I remember that a little over an hour ago our healers instructed you not to overwork your shoulder.”

She felt Iron Bull’s eyes narrow on her. “You told me that they gave you a clean bill of health, Boss.” His concern was obvious in his voice, as well as his distaste in being lied to.

Sighing, Delani set her knees on the ground and stared up at the two men glaring down at her. Yes, she’d lied to the Iron Bull and, yes, the healers had advised her against doing the very thing that she’d just been doing. She was wrong and she knew it, but neither man understood that she needed this. Neither of them knew what terrible things had stirred up inside of her while in the Beyond. Neither of them could understand that this was the only way that she could move on from those thoughts of inadequacy.

“Aside from my shoulder I did get a clean bill of health,” she said to Bull before offering him an apologetic smile. When he frowned at her Delani pushed herself up onto her feet and gave the qunari a nettled look. Raising an eyebrow at him, she stated, “I was just beating you with a pole not an hour ago. I don’t think that you’re in the best position to be making judgments.”

I’m not leading the Inquisition,” he rebutted, crossing his thick arms in front of his wide chest.

“You’re right,” she returned, her tone biting. Jabbing a finger into her chest she spat, “I am, and I need this.”

The expression on Cullen’s handsome features softened. Her tone had revealed more than she’d intended it to. Cullen could tell that something was wrong with her, that she wasn’t exercising for the sake of a good workout. She could tell by the concern creasing his features that he understood that she needed this, but she could also tell that he wasn’t going to permit her to continue to overwork herself.

Straightening his spine, Cullen perched his hands on the pommel of his blade and raised his chin as he regarded Delani. He was putting on his ‘Commander face’ and Delani felt a warmth radiate from her core at the sight of it. Creators curse him, he looked irresistible when he looked at her like that.

Addressing her as though he would a recruit, he corrected her earlier statement. “What you need is a break.”

“Cullen, no—“ she tried to argue with him, to reason with him, to make him understand why she needed to remain exactly where she was and finish what she had started, but he interrupted her before she could.

He took a step toward her, his hand outstretched in offering. Delani looked from his open palm to his eyes and saw a tender concern whirling in those beautiful golden depths. “Please, Inquisitor,” his tone was low, gentle, as though he were trying not to spook a cornered animal. A small smile curled the corner of his mouth and he assured her, “It will take only but a moment.”

How was she supposed to resist that face? Creators, the man knew how to wield those lips better than any weapon. A sigh expelled from Delani before she placed her fingers in his hand. She allowed herself to be pulled toward him, and accepted defeat the moment the smell of him filled her nose.

Cullen looked to Iron Bull and gave the qunari a departing bow of his head. “Until next time, Bull,” he stated before collecting Delani’s tunic from the practice dummy she had hung it on.

Iron Bull muttered a farewell before turning toward the tavern. When Cullen released her hand from his and walked steadily beside her, Delani gave him a sidelong glance and asked, “Where are you taking me, Commander?”

A plotting smirk hinted at the edges of his mouth. Cullen handed her her tunic and remained quiet as she pulled it over her shoulders and began to fasten the knots that secured it in the front. When she was halfway done with her task, he found his voice and said, “It’s a surprise.”

She huffed in distaste. Delani didn’t particularly like surprises, but she liked Cullen and she liked his company, so she would endure. She finished with the last knot and pulled her hair out from the ponytail she had secured it in. The auburn strands fell around her face and well past her shoulders, some strands were clumped with sweat. Combing her fingers through her hair, Delani fixed her outward appearance as best she could and she followed Cullen up the steps that would lead them into the main hall.

Once they were atop the staircase Delani allowed herself to wonder where he was taking her. She half expected him to take her through the rotunda and toward his office, feeling like he would be drawn to the familiarity of his living quarters. To her surprise, Cullen nodded in greeting to Varric, who smirked knowingly in reply, before leading Delani into the garden.

There were fewer people in the garden than usual, but it wasn’t necessarily strange. The Inquisition had just made great strides in their fight against Corypheus. They’d just had their first real victory. Skyhold was celebrating, and celebrating was better done in taverns than in gardens.

Glad that there were so few eyes to watch them cross the garden, Delani laced her fingers through Cullen’s and smiled at him when he looked down at their intertwined fingers with surprise in his eyes. He didn’t shake his hand free or look displeased by the contact, instead a contented smile surfaced on his gorgeous lips and Delani felt a bone deep desire to kiss that intoxicating scar that ran along the corner of his mouth.

“Are we going to play another game of chess, vhenan’ara?” she asked, her tone teasing.

His smile grew and he shook his head. “Not today,” he answered before observing, “though it might do you some good to temper out your victory with a little defeat.”

His amber gaze met and held her sea green eyes. His tone turned teasing as well when he added, “It might help to keep you humble.”

A laugh sounded from Delani and she placed her fingers in front of her mouth to fight back her amusement. Unable to help the grin that expanded over her lips, she stated, “I am a great many things, Commander, but I do not believe that humble is one of them.”

The smile that curled the corners of his mouth was disagreeing. Cullen pulled up their intertwined hands and stared at the glowing mark that ran jaggedly across her open palm. Cullen’s smile faded a bit, as he feathered his thumb over the green glowing scar. Quickly meeting her gaze, he whispered, “You are the most humble person I know,” before bringing her open palm to his lips and brushing a chaste kiss against the inside of her hand.

Heat immediately started to unfurl its phoenix like wings under her skin. Blood rushed into her cheeks and Delani’s eyes fluttered. Her heart skipped along the bones of her ribcage, the beat erratic, jovial. She stared up at him, her mouth slightly open as she watched his puckered lips press into the curve of her hand. Coherent thought eluded her and, blinking hard, Delani had to remind herself to breathe.

Snapping her mouth shut, Delani swallowed hard and tried to refocus her mind on their conversation and not the feel of his stubble against her hand. The kiss had been quick, a warm peck, but it had affected her straight down to her core. When he met her gaze again it was obvious that he was oblivious to the effect he had just had on her. Good, Delani thought. She didn’t understand it herself.

He returned their interwoven fingers to their sides and continued to lead her deeper into the garden. There was a bend at the end of the garden that led to a secluded little area, lined by trees, bushes covered with blooming flowers, and stones atheistically set up in the most lovely, calming pattern. The little area was free from prying eyes, it was shaded by the full tree branches, and there was the pleasant perfume of flowers in full bloom in the air. But what caught Delani’s attention was the blanket stretched out over the center of the area. There was a bottle of wine and a basket filled with fruits and cheeses just waiting in invitation. It took Delani a moment to realize that the invitation was for her.

Her attention jolted back to Cullen and she breathlessly wondered, “Is this for me?”

The smirk on his lips was delicious. “Well,” he started, mirth in his eyes and a joke in his voice, “I intended it to be for us. That is, if you don’t mind sharing.”

She couldn’t help her grin even if she tried. “I don’t mind at all,” she replied, allowing him to tug her toward the blanket.

"I suppose I should count myself lucky that you're feeling so generous."

She laughed before nodding that he had it right. "Enjoy it while it lasts, vhenan'ara."

Easing herself down onto the cloth, Delani’s smile persisted as Cullen sat down beside her, one of his long legs folded in front of him while he perched an elbow on his other knee. Cullen opened the bottle of wine and poured the maroon liquid into a glass. He handed the glass to her, and Delani couldn’t help the blush that burned her cheeks when her fingers brushed against his as she accepted the glass.

She took a sip, hoping that the alcohol would help settle her nerves. Since when had Cullen become the one in their relationship to cause her to blush? It would have been an infuriating development if it wasn’t also an endearing one. Cullen was charming, he was seductive, he was alluring and he didn’t even know it. He was simply irresistible, and it came with little to no effort at all.

When nearly half of her glass was poured down her throat, Delani reminded herself to slow down. She glanced at Cullen only to find his gaze already on her, and she had to look away again to hide how his attention affected her. Clearing her throat, she tucked her bangs behind her ear, and said, “This is…” she searched for the right word, but there were too many to describe his gesture: sweet, endearing, lovely, perfect. Delani settled on, “Surprising.”

Picking a grape from the fruit basket and popping it into her mouth, Delani couldn’t help it when she wondered, “May I ask why?”

The look Cullen gave her was playfully scolding. “Must I have a reason to treat you to a pleasant reprieve?” When she raised a challenging eyebrow a soft chuckle rumbled out of him and Cullen nodded that she might have been a little bit right. He smiled at her for a second before his thoughts slowly wiped the smile from his lips.

After a moment the shemlan was regarding her with concern in his lovely golden eyes. His features were serious, his face crinkled with echoes of worry as he worked his jaw. Raising his hand to her cheek, Cullen ran his thumb across the curve of her cheekbone and asked, “Would you think less of me if I told you that I feared for you at Adamant?”

She moved her wine glass from one hand to the other before raising her hand to hold his against her cheek. Thumbing over his knuckles, she shook her head and gently replied, “Only if you would think less of me for also worrying after you.”

Cullen’s jaw clenched as he stared at her, his nostrils flared as he visibly recalled the emotions he had felt, the fear he had struggled with. Delani felt awful for making him worry. She doubted it would make him feel any better if she admitted that she had also been afraid for her own survival as well.

“When Clarel unleashed that spell, when the entire wall started to collapse,” Cullen shook his head, banishing the thoughts, chasing away the memory. Delani understood. She wanted to erase the memory just as much as he did. His hand moved from her cheek to the nape of her neck. Gently he tugged her toward him until her forehead was pressed against his. “I thought that I’d lost you for sure.”

Shutting her eyes, Delani relished the feel of his brow pressed against hers. She basked in the heat that radiated off of him in waves, the masculine power that spoke to her senses and stirred something feminine deep inside of her. Allowing a comforting smile to stretch over her lips, Delani reminded him, “This cat still has a few more lives, remember?”

A slow and even chuckle sounded from him and Cullen reluctantly released her. Raising his glass in cheers, he said, “To making the most of them.”

She bit her lip in a poor attempt to hide her replying smile. Clinking her glass against his, she took another sip of the delectable wine before holding the glass steady on top of her lap. Delani stared into the deep maroon liquid, contemplating it, admiring the rich color and the sweet flavor.

This was a pleasant distraction, but the residual ache that was starting to set in her overworked muscles was reminding her of why she had been pushing herself so hard to begin with. Deep-seated disquiet started to nest in the thicket of her chest, black inky fingers sifting through her until it was all she could feel.

Delani took in a sharp breath when Cullen tucked a finger under her chin and pulled her attention to him. Worry was back in his amber gaze, stronger than it had been before. His tone was gentle when he spoke.

“Hey,” he started, holding her gaze, offering her a comforting smile, “Are you alright?”

Biting back the immediate and untrue ‘yes, I’m fine’ she shook her head and took a deep, steadying breath. Despite the newness of their relationship, Delani felt as though it were only right that she share her feelings with Cullen. She wanted transparency and communication, and the only way that she was going to get them was by starting with herself. If she could allow herself to trust Cullen then, perhaps, he would return the kindness. It was the only way she knew how to make their relationship work.

She took another sip from her wine glass, finishing what remained of her drink before setting the cup aside. Clearing her throat, Delani trained her gaze on the cloth beneath them and started picking the stray balls of lint from its surface.

Quietly, she started, “I assume that you’ve read my report about what happened when I tore open the Veil, when I walked through the Beyond,” shaking her head she corrected the term to the one that humans used, “the Fade.”

Cullen nodded once, his expression was both curious and concerned. “I have.”

“So you know about what I saw there…” she rubbed her arm, fighting off the dreary chill that coursed through her bones like a cold that no fire could warm. “You know about the fear demon?”

He inched closer to her, moving so that he could catch her gaze and, once he had, lock it with his own. Cullen’s brow was furrowed with worry, and his tone was gentle when he informed her, “I only know what was on the report.” Placing a comforting hand on her arm, he wondered, “What happened, Delani?”

“The fear demon,” she clasped her eyes shut and took another deep breath. Working out had been a much easier way of exorcising the memory. She hadn’t expected giving voice to her fears to be easy, but she hadn’t anticipated it being this difficult either. “It showed me what my greatest fear was, and now it haunts me.”

Offering her a sympathetic look, he asked, “Is this why you were pushing yourself so hard before?”

Delani nodded. Self-consciously she explained, “If my every muscle aches then the pain will distract me from my thoughts.”

“And your fears,” Cullen completed for her and Delani nodded that he had it right. Warm amber eyes gazed at her with such tenderness that she could hardly stand it. The small smile that warmly inched across his lips was supportive.

Cullen placed his hand on  her knee and gently squeezed her leg before asking, “Tell me what this fear is that haunts my brave huntress, so that we may conquer it together.”

She couldn’t help the smile that unearthed on her lips at the sound of his words. Cullen was so sweet, so caring. He wanted to attend to her needs, to make sure that she was alright and, Creators, did she want to let him. In her entire life she had only met one other man like him, and she had lost him to her own stupidity. The smile fell from her face and Delani’s gaze fell to where his hand was still resting on her knee.

Placing her hand on top of his, she squeezed his strong digits before looking back into his welcoming golden eyes. “I’m afraid that I’m not enough.” Opening her marked hand, the anchor glowed with its otherworldly green light. She glared at it, frowning at the scar, at her curse.

When she clasped her hand shut again, she muttered, “This wasn’t given to me by the Maker,” she looked up to meet Cullen’s gaze again, trying to make him understand what she had known all along, and what she now feared beyond reason. “I’m not the ‘Herald of Andraste’. I’m just an elf with a terrible sense of timing and extraordinarily bad luck. And I’m afraid that I won’t be enough to do what needs to be done.”

His expression softened and Cullen pulled her into his arms. Pressing her against his chest, his warmth enveloped her and suddenly Delani felt as though he were filling her with his strength. Cullen was the sun, and she needed him to bloom, she needed his light to give her strength; for without it she would surely fail.

There was a mildly reprimanding laugh in his voice when he next spoke, scolding her for ever thinking that way. “You are far from ‘just an elf,’ Delani.” He pulled away slightly so that he could look her in the eyes. Shaking his head as he stared at her, he assured her, “You are strong, brave, and conscientious. You are more than most people could ever aspire to be, and no old Tevinter magic made you that way. It’s just who you are.”

Cupping her cheek in his hand, Cullen insisted, “You need not ever fear not being enough, because you are not alone in this. You have your companions, you have your advisors, and you have me.” He smiled at her, reaffirming the honesty of his words. “We are here to support and assist you, and with us by your side you will not fail.”

She let his words sink in past her surface, allowed them to reverberate through her. She was not alone. She had Cullen, and he would not let her fall. Suddenly she felt the fool for ever fearing being inadequate. How could she ever have such a fear when this powerful, strong, and intelligent man looked at her like that? Biting into her bottom lip, Delani could do little more than just stare at this handsome man who she was so undeserving of. Where had he come from? How did such a man even exist?

“Thank you, vhenan’ara,” she whispered, not trusting her voice to not give away how deeply his words had touched her.

A smile grew on his lips, it was soft and self-conscious and accompanied by a soft blush. “Would you be upset with me if I kissed you?” he asked, hesitant, careful, needy.

Delani gnawed on her bottom lip and felt her own cheeks flush. Grinning, she informed him, “I would be upset with you if you didn’t.”

Without needing further invitation, Cullen brought his mouth down to hers and stole the breath right from her lungs. Delani reacted on instinct. She buried her fingers in his silky blond hair and secured his lips against hers. At the feeling of his tongue tickling at her bottom lip, Delani welcomed him into her mouth with a moan.

He tasted of wine and warmth, and it was intoxicating. Delani felt her whole body come alive with his heat. She sucked in a deep breath through her nose, her lungs filling with his scent, and it only served to heat her blood faster. He was hot, his touch was fire, Cullen was the sun and she was happily burning in his light.

His hands were on her, his reaction to her just as strong. With one hand at the nape of her neck and the other at the small of her back, Cullen pinned her to his chest. The kiss may have started out as gentle, timid, but it had quickly escalated to desperate and needy. Cullen was a heady creature, and she wanted more of him, she wanted all of him.

All notions of propriety abandoned them and they couldn’t even blame it on the wine. It was the feel of his lips against hers, his tongue in her mouth, his hands on her body that were leaving her so helplessly inebriated. Delani felt as though she were on fire, and he was the only person who would ever be able to put it out.

Gently, reverently, Cullen eased her onto her back, his lips not leaving hers for a second. Delani desperately grasped at his back, pulling his body toward hers, needing to feel his weight pressed against her. He was driving her mad. Coherent thought was impossible. There was only Cullen, the taste of him, the feel of him, her need for him. How easily their exchanging blushes and chaste kisses became something so much more dangerous.

His hand was on her thigh, rubbing the length of it, the friction adding heat to the inferno raging inside of her. Delani felt mindless, out of control. She wanted Cullen. She had never wanted anyone so badly in her entire life. This man was made of desire, the taste of him promised such sensual things. Did he even realize the effect that he had on her? Did he know what he was doing to her?

The answer was an obvious no because, if he did, he wouldn’t have moved his lips from hers. He wouldn’t have left a trail of kisses all the way to her neck. If Cullen knew how dangerous the ground was beneath him, he would have never taken her earlobe into his mouth. He would have never dragged the fire of his tongue up the length of her long pointed ear.

Delani’s eyesight immediately blackened. Her entire body bowed in reaction to his mouth on her ear. She fisted his pauldrons, a moan shaking through her. It was loud, it was needy, and he should not have done that. When she came to there was an aggression inside of her, a fierceness that he could never have anticipated.

She shoved his shoulder, rolling him off of her and onto his back, and climbed on top of him in one smooth motion. It happened quickly, faster than he had time to blink. Cullen stared up at her, his eyes wide with surprise and desire. Delani stared down at him, watching her prey, her nostrils flared as she breathed him in.

Hand firmly gripping his breastplate, Delani was just about to show him the dangers of licking her ears when the sound of someone clearing their throat came from behind her. Her gaze ripped over her shoulder, dangerous, a growl in her throat. How dare anyone interrupt them. It was an offense punishable by death.

When she found Bella Hawke standing behind her, Delani allowed her fury to slowly subside. She climbed off of Cullen and stood to her feet. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Cullen straightening out his clothes and try to comb his hair back into place. She didn’t need to see his face to know that he was blushing intensely. The position that Bella had just caught them in had been very precarious. He was only lucky that she had come when she had. One moment later and Cullen would have been ravaged, and that was surely a worse position to be caught in.

“Nice technique, Inquisitor,” Bella remarked with a laugh in her voice. Her blue eyes were alight with amusement, mirth in her features, a teasing smile on her lips. “Large and in charge is also my position of choice.”

Delani fought the replying grin from her lips. “You better have a damn good reason for interrupting, Bella,” she growled, even though her tone was playful.

Tousling her curls away from her face, Bella shook her head and shrugged. “I did,” she assured Delani before moving her gaze onto Cullen and allowing a large and taunting grin to expand over her lips. “But I can’t remember what it was.”

Yeah, Delani could sympathize. Cullen had that effect on her too.
Title: To the Void and Back
Author: ElCapitan18
Game: Dragon Age
Characters/Pairing: F!Lavellan and Cullen
Disclaimer: All recognizable content belongs to Bioware

Super dooper huge thanks to zulija, who proofread this chapter! She is the wind beneath my wings.

This was a long chapter. Sorry if I lost any of you. 

Also, pinky promise that this is the last time that they're going to get interrupted. LOL. I know zulija is angry at me for tearing them apart just as things are about to get steamy. I don't need an angry mob out for blood! Stare 

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ClassyNerd16's avatar
Ugh, perfect timing Hawke, perfect timing. Poor guys lol.