Nightmares and Dreams and Sweet Little Things

Title: Nightmares and Dreams and Sweet Little Things
Author: ElCapitan18
Game: Dragon Age
Characters/Pairing: F!Trevelyan and Cullen
Disclaimer: All recognizable content belongs to Bioware

How had this happened? Well, okay, she knew how it had happened. The science of it wasn’t what concerned Felicia Trevelyan, what concerned her was that the safeguards that she had put into place to prevent this very thing had finally failed her. Andraste’s tits, she thought as she rubbed the furrow from her brow.

“—Inquisitor,” Josephine’s beautifully accented voice pulled her from her thoughts. The Antivan woman quirked a mildly chastising eyebrow and folded her arms in front of her chest. “Have you heard a single thing I’ve said?” she asked, her amusement difficult to discern past the reprimand in her tone.

Shit. Felicia searched her memory for what they had just been discussing. To say that she was feeling distracted was a vast understatement. Combing back her fringe from her face, she puffed her cheeks and released her breath through her puckered lips. Shrugging in defeat, Felicia quickly stated, “I’ve met with enough dignitaries to know that they are all the same, Josie,” in her defense. “You don’t need to debrief me on each one that struts through our gates.”

Josephine pursed her lips, unimpressed by Felicia’s defensive rambling. Perfectly shaped eyebrow still arched in scolding, a discrete smirk toyed at the edges of her mouth as she regarded the Inquisitor. “As you say, Inquisitor,” she conceded with only the slightest ring of amusement in her voice.

“Right,” Felicia straightened out her clothes and cleared her throat. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Josie, I have to talk to… someone about... something.”

The Antivan woman nodded deeply as though Felicia’s lame excuse was perfectly understandable. Smirk tugging freely on her lips, she conceded, “Of course. You’ve many more important things to attend to.”

Felicia narrowed her eyes at Josephine but didn’t comment further. By some miracle she had been able to weasel her way out of the conversation. She was not going to allow herself to be held captive any longer just to prove to the ambassador that she was as important as Felicia’s other responsibilities.

She left Josephine’s office and made a left toward her chambers. Cullen was working out of his office today, which meant that she would have the room to herself for a while; which was perfect. A little privacy was exactly what Felicia needed at the moment.

The stairs to her bedchambers flowed under her feet until finally she was welcomed by the day’s warm light into her room. A few of her clothes were strewn about the room. It was a startling contrast to Cullen’s perfect sense of organization. Everything that was his had a place and not a single item was out of its designated area. Her husband was organized to a fault, and it was just one more way that he completed her.

With a heavy breath she made her way to the full length mirror in the corner of the room. Standing before the reflective glass, Felicia took in the sight of herself. Brown hair fell just past the line of her jaw, framing her face with strands of chocolatey silk. Pressing a hand to her face, she inspected her features, searching for the proverbial glow that was supposed to be emanating from her. But all she found was what had always been there. 

Smooth skin was marred by scars dealt to her by a woman who was supposed to love her unconditionally. Her mother had not always been the most mentally stable woman, and she’d easily turned abusive when things did not go her way. Even on her best behavior, Felicia had found herself on the receiving end of her mothers ‘disciplinary’ moods more times than she could count. The physical injuries may have healed, but some scars were beyond repair. 

She met and held her honey brown gaze in the mirror, searching her own eyes for the emptiness that she remembered seeing in her mother’s eyes. Felicia felt the same as always, she didn’t feel her mind fragmenting, or her emotions slipping from her control. She had always feared becoming her mother, had always dreaded that maybe the mistake of motherhood would be what finally splintered her mind.

Turning around to her side, Felicia pulled up the fabric of her top and folded it over her breasts. Eyeing herself in the mirror, she lowered her gaze to her exposed stomach and held her hands to her abdomen. A frown turned her lips as she tried to reconcile the fact that a life was taking shape inside of her, even if she was not yet showing. 

Foolishly, Felicia had tried to shrug off her morning sickness as the result of food not sitting well in her stomach. But then a second month had passed without the reappearance of her cycle and she knew that her failsafes had failed her. Aside from her heightened sense of smell, Felicia also became easily nauseous, which was the absolute worst combination imaginable. 

The realization that she was with child was the most frightening thing she had endured since facing Coryphus that final time. What if she become a mother no better than her own? Surely sentencing an innocent life to such a fate was criminal. What was she going to do?

Tell Cullen, her mind supplied. She bit down on her lip as she rubbed her belly. She and Cullen had not yet discussed the topic of children, and she feared how he would take the news. Felicia knew for a fact that he would be supportive of her, that he would stand by her side whatever she decided to do. What she was vastly less certain of was whether or not he even wanted children.

His nightmares and withdrawals did not plague him like they had before, but they still happened every once in a while. Surely the memory of his experiences had jaded him to the idea of bringing life into the world. How could it not have? Her own experiences filled her with trepidation, and she had not experienced anything remotely similar to what her husband had endured. 

How would he react to the news? Her stomach turned with the thought that Cullen might not take it well. 

Sighing, she lowered the fabric of her shirt back down to cover her flat stomach. However he would take the news, Cullen still needed to know. Felicia was exceedingly nervous about the impending conversation, but she knew that she couldn’t avoid it forever. She would start to show eventually, and there would be no hiding it then.

She combed back her hair as she tried to hype herself up for the coming discussion with Cullen. Pacing the length of the room, she tried to strategize what words she would use to ease him into it. Maker knew she needed more tact then just saying it outright.

She could imagine just how well that would go over. Hey, Cullen, lovely weather we’re having. The Chargers are putting the new recruits through their paces, aren’t they? I’m pregnant. What did I just say, you ask? Lovely weather we’re having, haven’t you been listening?

Felicia buried her face in her hands and groaned into her palms. She knew what the problem was, why she was dreading this inevitable confrontation. Felicia had yet to say the words aloud. Some small, irrational part of her mind thought that if she did not give voice to the words then they weren’t yet true. It was silly, and juvenile, but that hadn’t stopped her from clamping her mouth tightly shut. Another groan escaped her and she knew what she had to do.

With her face still hidden behind her hands, her voice was muffled when she murmured, “I’m pregnant.” The spoken words weighed heavily in the air, awkward and strained as she searched for the strength to see this through. 

Peeling her face from her hands she raked her hair away from her face and straightened her spine. She swallowed hard and said again, “I’m pregnant,” with more gusto this time. She thought of Cullen and imagined him with a baby in his arms. A smile spread over her mouth. He would make a marvelous father, that she knew without a shadow of doubt. 

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered and chewed on her lip.

Felicia knew that she could be a better mother than what hers had been. If she only gave herself the chance, she could bring something beautiful and wonderful into the world. She was carrying the child of the man she loved. Never in her life had she known the kind of love she shared with Cullen. He completed her, he complemented her in every way. Her soul was bound to his since before the births of the stars that sprinkled the night sky, and now the time had come for their love to take shape in the form of new life. She was pregnant, and Cullen had to know.

Not wanting to waste anymore time, she abandoned the safety of her chambers and headed for Cullen’s office. Was there a better way to tell him this news? Probably. But she had the courage to do this now, and she didn’t know how long it would last. 

Quickly cutting through the empty atrium, painted walls covered in a mural left unfinished, she rushed across the ramparts and into Cullen’s office. Knocking on the door before she entered, she found him standing behind his desk and in the middle of receiving a verbal report from one of his men. Their eyes met and a happy glimmer lit up in his amber irises at the sight of her.

Cullen lifted a hand to cut off the soldier’s oration and he addressed his wife. “Did you need something, my Lady Inquisitor?”

Offering him a grateful smile, she looked from the soldier to Cullen before admitting, “A moment of your time.”

He nodded that he understood. “Just let me finish up here, and then I am yours.”

Nerves were fluttering wildly in her stomach. “I’ll wait for you outside,” she assured him before leaving him to his duties.

The cool mountain air helped to sooth her growing anxiety. Whatever came next, Cullen would support her. The knowledge eased the tension in her stomach a bit. They would face parenthood the way they faced all other matters, together.

After a minute or so Cullen finally emerged from his office. There was a smile on his lips as he closed the distance between them. Once she was within arms reach, he pulled her to his chest and stole a kiss from her lips. When he pulled away he held Felicia’s face in his hands and said, “You are just the distraction I needed.”

He wanted a distraction, did he? Well he was in luck, because the news she was about to share with him had been distracting her all day. She grabbed a hold of Cullen’s wrists and offered her husband a weary smile.

“Cullen,” she started, trying to shove her anxiety and apprehension back down. Felicia sucked in a deep breath to steel her resolve and let it out through her nose. Holding his gaze, she finished, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

He raised an eyebrow at the sound of her tone and released her face from between his hands. “Uh-oh,” he returned, a smile flickering at the corner of his mouth as he curiously regarded her. “The last time that you said that it was right before you informed me of our accepted invitation to a luncheon with the Dowager. What happened this time?”

Felicia chewed the on inside of her cheek as she contemplated the best way to ease him into the news. After an awkward minute had passed without her saying anything, she decided that perhaps it was best to just get it out.

“I’m pregnant,” she rushed and watched in horror as Cullen’s eyes widened with surprise. Before he even had time to react, words started to spew from her mouth unbidden. “I know that we’ve never discussed having children before, and I never intended for this to happen. But it did happen and there it is. With both of our pasts being what they are, I understand if you don’t want to have this baby. I don’t want you to feel pressured just because we’re married. If it’s not the right time then it’s not the right time and—“

He cupped her face in his hands again and silenced her with the wonderment of his gaze. Breathlessly, he repeated, “You’re pregnant?”

Uncertain of whether or not the look in his eyes was hopeful, she nodded. “Yes, I’m pregnant.” 

A grin started to inch across his mouth and his amber eyes glimmered with emotion. “I’m going to be a father?” he asked, and the sanguine ring to his voice sent her heart flying. 

Felicia bit her lip to stop her own smile from surfacing. She had tried to imagine what his reaction would be. So far, this wasn’t what she had anticipated at all. It was better. Her voice had escaped her and all she could do was nod in answer to his question.

“I’m going to be a father,” he reiterated before scooping her up into his arms and spinning her around. Laughing in joyous delight, he proclaimed, “We’re going to have a baby!” and set her back down.

When she was back on her feet, her lips were stolen by Cullen’s and he pressed a dozen kisses to her mouth. He hugged her to him and his excitement and happiness radiated from him in tsunami sized waves, infecting her with the same level of joy.

Cullen released her lips from his and stared down at his wife with a large grin splayed over his mouth. He pressed a hand to her belly and his smile grew even larger, as impossible as it seemed. Quietly, reverently, he said again, “We’re going to have a baby.”

She didn’t realize that there were tears in her eyes until he wiped them from her cheeks. Sniffing away the emotions that unearthed in the wake of his powerful reaction, Felicia wondered, “You’re not upset?”

“Upset?” he repeated incredulously before shaking his head. “I’m having a child with the woman that I love. Sweetheart, I am elated. There isn’t another man in all of Thedas happier than what you have just made me.”

His grin grew as he took both of her hands in his. Kissing her knuckles, Cullen said, “Come, we must write Mia. She will be absolutely livid if she is not the first to know.”

Felicia laughed as her husband swept her off of her feet again and carried her back toward his office. Of all the ways she had expected Cullen to react, this was certainly not one of them. She was pleasantly surprised. 

Hugging her arms around Cullen’s neck, she allowed herself to be excited as well. She was going to have a baby with the man she loved. With him at her side she was going to be the best mother she could be. Suddenly the prospect of parenthood did not seem as daunting as it had been before. Felicia had Cullen, and soon their little family of two would grow to three. At the moment, she could not think of a single thing she wanted more.